Broken

I am not sure where or how to start, as the last week of my life has been a blur.

With Ava, I didn’t have a clue I was pregnant. I had a cold I just couldn’t kick, and when my sister in law suggested I may be pregnant, I laughed; then sent Johan straight to the pharmacy to buy a test. In true male fashion, he bought one test. One? Who buys only one pregnancy test?

The two lines appeared as soon as the urine hit the stick and I thought, let’s wait a few minutes and maybe it will change. Nope, I was pregnant, and we had only been married for six months.

Initially, we were really scared and anxiety quickly sank in, then came the excitement. It didn’t take long for us to share the news with our families.

From that moment on, I enjoyed life to the fullest. Slept looooong hours, tried to eat more healthy, all the while dreaming about American junk food. I read every pregnancy website, blog and page of What to Expect When Expecting. Still do.

Come January 27th, 2011 our little Ava Louise arrived. Not easily, but she was there, in my arms, screaming, healthy and perfect.

In June of 2012, on the car ride to my parents for the weekend; I knew something was up. I’d been a bit nauseous for the past few days and only wanted to sleep. Yet we all know, lots of sleep is not an option for mothers… And, I just knew.

As soon as I could, I went to the pharmacy and bought one test. Only one, like Johan. Again, as soon as the urine hit the stick, two lines appeared; anxiety kicked in, followed by excitement and right away, we told our family and friends.

I thought I would blog more about this pregnancy, due to the fact I had missed out on the opportunity with Ava since I only started the blog the few weeks before she was born. But, I just haven’t found the time and sadly, became slack on reporting all of the emotions and bodily changes that happen during pregnancy. Something I now regret more than anything…

This part will be short, as I don’t want to ramble on and on, or give every little detail as to what has happened to us.

On Monday morning, I went to the doctor for my normal monthly scan, filled with high hopes to finally confirm the sex of our new baby. Johan couldn’t attend, as he was in China for work, however, he was there on Skype via the iPad. We watched together as the doctor confirmed, number 2 is a boy! We both had tears of joy in our eyes, said our goodbyes and hung up.

Within the next few minutes, our lives were turned upside down. The doctor turned to me with a look, a look that says everything, yet she didn’t say much at all. Basically, she saw something that concerned her and she wanted me to go to the fetal assessor right away.

Excuse me? Wait. What? I don’t understand. What are you saying?

My world came crashing down.

Here is the short of the extremely devastating news…

Our doctor, two other doctors, the fetal assessor and geneticist have all reported the worst; our son has not developed properly and will not survive birth.

The cause? We don’t know and can only find out after they run tests at birth. A birth that will happen on Monday, via caesarean, at only 19 weeks.

Am I okay? No, I am not. I am not okay. I am devastated. Shattered. Broken. My heart has broken in ways I never knew possible. The shock has lifted, and reality has sunk in. I am losing my baby. We are losing our son. Ava is losing her brother. He maybe tiny, but he is still a baby. A baby Johan and I made together.

Have I lost faith in God? No. I am not asking why me? Why us? Why not, us? Rather me, with one amazing little girl, than someone else who doesn’t have kids. Or maybe someone whose marriage isn’t as strong as ours. Or doesn’t have a support system like we do.

Honestly, I never thought anything tragic like this would happen to me, as I have never considered myself a strong person and God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle. He has held my hand through this and I know that I am right where I am supposed to be. I just need to live in the moment. Feel the pain. Acknowledge what has happened and trust that he does love us and knows what he is doing.

My aunt wrote me this last night,

God will use this in your life to make you stronger and to help someone else who goes through this. Remember singing the song, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart…down in my heart, down in my heart to stay”? The last verse says, “I’ve got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart, down in my heart….etc” My prayer for you is that you have that peace that passes understanding down in your heart.

I have neither peace nor understanding in my heart at the moment. But trust in God enough to know that one day, maybe 5 years from now, but one day, I will have the peace that passes understanding down in my heart, down in my heart to stay.

I have written this horrible post without details only so I can get it out in the open. So people don’t have to feel bad when they ask me about the pregnancy and I burst into tears.

Maybe one day, I will share all the details on here. I just can’t right now, as it is too, too painful.

Thank you to everyone for all of your support during this time. To Amanda, for getting in the car the moment I called. To Tria, for going with me to the doctors and asking the questions I couldn’t. For listening to the doctors and doing your own research. For watching Ava, when I just couldn’t face her and just holding my hand when Johan wasn’t there. To my mom, for being who she is and being here with me. To all of our families and friends, for all of your support. We couldn’t do this without you…

To Johan, for loving me, understanding me and listening to me. For being an amazing man, husband and father. And for just being you.

And to Ava, for the unexpected hugs that do more than she will ever know. For continuing to make me laugh and smile, everyday.

We will be okay. Just not right now.

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20 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Oh Blair.  I am so sorry.  How terribly devastating.  I am not sure what exactly to say other than we love you and will be thinking about and praying for you and your family during this difficult time.  I know that you are strong and you will get through this.  Love you honey!

  2. I am sitting here sobbing my heart out reading this and I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. Just know that you are in our hearts. We will be thinking of you on Monday – be strong. xxxx

  3. Dear Blair,  my deepest sympathies go out to you and your family.  I feel your pain as I went through this 7 years ago.  I was 17 weeks pregnant when I had my caesarian.  It was so hard for me as only my husband and I knew we were expecting.  I was 40 years old and wanted to wait until everything was 100% before telling our other children.  I had been so sick and just as I started to feel better the devastating news was something I unexpected. It was a tough time as I questioned my faith and I was so afraid of everything.  I can tell you from my experience when I found out on the Friday that I was having the caesarian on the Monday that weekend was the most difficult of my life.   Things will get better and life will go on. I am blessed with 3 beautiful happy and healthy boys and I do sometimes wonder how different life would have been with a child that I never got to see, even though I loved him form the moment he was conceived.  The physical scars will heal quickly but the mental scars may take longer.  Take the time to mourn.  Then take the time to celebrate life again. I will say a special prayer for you on Monday xxx

    • Thank you for sharing your story with me, Deb. I am so sorry you also had to go through this. It still feels like a horrible dream…

  4. There is never a right thing to say, so just know I am thinking of you and your family and wishing you strength, peace and love through this difficult time.

    Is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
    Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
    The one’s that you’ve been dragging for so long
    You’re on your knees
    You might as well be praying
    Guess what I’m saying

    If you’re going through hell
    Keep on going, don’t slow down
    If you’re scared, don’t show it
    Because you might get out before the devil even knows your name

    Rodney Atkins

  5. Oh Blair.  I am just so sorry and am sending lots of hugs and prayer your way.  This is an awful tragedy, and nothing I can say will make you feel better, but just know that you are loved.  

  6. Hi Blair, I know no amount of word will make you feel any better.  My heart is going out to you and Johan and I’m praying for you every day.  I know that God is holding your hand every step of the way and he knows your heart and will heal your hart in time.  I’ve been crying every time I’ve been thinking of you and can’t even begin to try and know how you feel.  I’m so sorry to hear about what happened and I’m here if you feel like talking about it.  Hope you feel better soon.  Juani

  7. Blair, I know we don’t know each other in real life, but I instantly had a little connection with you, us both being Americans in SA. I’m truly sorry that your family is going through this right now. You are lucky to have such support, near you and long-distance. My thoughts will be with you int he next few weeks and months, and hope that you can find a new peace in your life. Hugs. 

  8. Oh Blair, I am so heartbroken for you and your family. I am just reading this now and Im so sorry I wasnt able to be able to be there for you sooner even if only through email or facebook. I am praying for you guys. Im so happy that you have such an awesome support team to be there with you. I wish I could give you a big hug, but please know I am thinking and praying for you. xoxo Jessica

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