My parents are flying back to the US today. It’s been such a blessing having my mom by my side during this time. They do live here, but four hours away, so my dad drove her down last week. She’s really helped me get through these last few days.
We leave for the US on the 9th of December. I have been looking forward to this trip all year. Started counting down the days at 100, right now we have 54 days until we leave.
I have to be honest though, I am now deathly afraid of our trip. I am actually afraid of going out in public at all. Afraid I will run into someone who doesn’t know what has happened and I might have to explain. Afraid of the tears that may come from just a hug from someone who does know. Afraid of having to contribute to an actual conversation.
At first we struggled with having to tell people. It’s hard to pick up the phone and share bad news, especially your own bad news. You can’t just post something like this as your Facebook status, nor could I imagine posting it on Blairadise, as this is my happy place. A place to share my happy thoughts, Ava’s milestones, crafts I’ve actually completed and good news.
My first reaction was to close my Facebook account and shut down Blairadise. Go into hiding per se. When will I ever be happy enough to post something worth sharing? What would be worthy enough? Is it too soon to be happy again?
Then I got a few messages from friends asking if I had heard the sex of the baby, or how I was feeling or what’s new with us. What do I say? Do I lie, then they find out later the truth? Do we keep it a secret, and not lean on our friends during our time of need? I would hate it if friends or family did that. It’s times like these that you need your friends and family, more than anything.
Obviously something changed within me and I decided to share our story here. Blairadise is actually my safe place. I can write whatever I want, how I want, when I want. No one can judge my bad grammar, because every once in a while, bad grammar is accepted in Blairadise.
Being able to share our story has become therapeutic for me, to say the very least.
My biggest fear is that we don’t fully embrace our situation and it passes us by, then regret ruins us later. At least I will be able to come back here and reread about the pain I am experiencing now, it will help me remember; remember what we went through and one day, hopefully, how far we’ve come as people, as husband and wife and as parents.
So, I’ve put our story out there to help us heal. To say to our family and friends, yes, we need you right now. Wether you are next door or 12,000 miles away; your prayers, sharing your stories, virtual hugs, kind words, text messages, hand written notes, and especially your blue finger nails; it’s all helping us heal.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for sharing your love with us.