I like to consider myself a positive person and honestly think people would say that about me. I try to be the person in the room with a smile, telling happy stories.
In April, Johan and I got the best news I have had all year. It’s amazing how two little lines on a thin stick can change your world so quickly. I was pregnant and so happy. Maybe too happy, but I couldn’t help it. God was giving us another chance to be parents. I couldn’t believe my luck!
I just knew in my heart it would be perfect this time, like it was with Ava. I wasn’t going to let myself be scared by what happened last year. I was going to think positively and we would get through these next 9 months and end up with a healthy baby in our arms. At four weeks, I even went out and bought baby stuff, that’s how perfect I knew this pregnancy would be.
When I started bleeding on Mother’s Day weekend, I stayed positive. We could get through this, it was just a little bump in the road.
At the hospital, there on the doctor’s screen was a tiny baby, with no heartbeat. But it was still early, the heartbeat could come, the doctor said. I took some blood tests and would hear back from my doctor on Monday.
When I didn’t see a heartbeat, my heart sunk. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Trying to stay positive, not believing this could be happening to me. Hadn’t I gone through enough last year? Wasn’t that all I could handle? Please God, please do not let me lose this baby too!
On Monday, my doctor called and said she wanted to see me first thing Tuesday. My progesterone levels were too low.
After a restless night, Tuesday morning came and as I lay on the doctors bed, all I saw was an empty womb. I tried to stay positive. Tried to stay strong. Tried not show Johan or the doctor the sheer panic that had over taken my body.
I had miscarried the baby. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t actually understand what had happened. I still don’t.
This time, my body failed me. It’s not a medical decision I didn’t really have the choice to make. My body had let me and my unborn child down.
I’ve been trying so hard to be healthy, mentally and physically these past few months leading up to falling pregnant. So positive. Trying my best to create a healthy environment to try again.
Last October, I didn’t think I would ever be able to try again. To go through this sort of pain again. In March, I wanted a baby so bad my body ached for it. I ache for it.
And now, I ache even more. I am sick and tired of saying I am fine. I am okay. I am not okay. My heart is broken even more than it was. More than I thought possible. More than I ever could have imagined. I just cannot believe this happened to ME, again…
Staying positive just isn’t possible right now. I am afraid I am changing. Changing into a person I don’t want to be. The type of person I don’t like to be around.
Except in front of Ava. In front of her, I am still the same old mom who loves her more than anything. With a bright smile, hiding her tear stained face.